Imperfection feels good. X

I always had it in my head that I would have a perfect life, perfect friends, someone with whom I can share all my deep dark secrets, a perfect boyfriend. I thought someday it’ll be this way and I would be perfect altogether. I just knew that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Not.

Like in the beginning I used to force things to fit into the perfect picture I had in mind. But I usually ended up disappointed.

Eventually, I realized that some things look good in the movies and in the pages of a story book. They are fiction for a reason. Reality is so much different. It isn’t always so glamorous. Everything isn’t meant to be picture perfect.

Oh yeah, let me tell you. I don’t really know what they call perfect friends, but I got some which are the best in the world. And my boyfriend and I share a relationship that is a hell lot better than any scriptwriter could ever imagine. And besides, they’re real.

<3

A castle of cards

My life is like building a castle of cards. I build my fairy-tale dreams just as carefully as you need to place the card to make them stay. And then, when I’m almost done, a small shake brings it all down, and I start all over again.

Well, its not as easy as it sounds. I dream of big things, and to see it crumble down is like so much painful. It sores my eye, it breaks me from the inside.

I admit that sometimes I am the reason behind it, its my unsteadiness that brings the castle down, but mostly, it’s the wind. Its something beyond my control, and I’m unable to shield my dreams from it.

The night of 4th December, 2008. I had built the biggest stack of all. I was so damn happy, it stood so tall. And then came the strongest gush of wind. It broke the stack, it tore the cards into pieces, and a few flew straight to my heart and stung in so deep. I could feel the happiness drain out of my body, leaving me shaken, cold, weak. . .

Was it my fault? No. was it something under my control? No. did I ever do something to deserve this? I don’t know. Anguished cries of ‘why’ were echoing inside my head. I wanted answers to questions I never thought I’d ever ask. Everything seemed so perfect just a few minutes ago. Why did he have to do this? Was my love not enough?

I don’t think he knows the intensity of the pain he made me go through. Will I ever be able to get over this? Will I be able to forgive him? Surely I’ll try, but will I?

I stayed up all night thinking of what to do. But It doesn’t help if you have a fucked up and malfunctioning mind, you know. And its strange, but for some reason, I didn’t get the stupid urge to slit my wrist this time. I lied down letting all the pain engulf me from the inside, it was the only thing making me feel alive anyway.

I was afraid to sleep. I knew if I did, those dreams would be back again. And I was already going through so much, I didn’t have the strength to bear it. I felt like sleep too, along with the happiness, had abandoned my body.

In the morning, I told a friend about it. He said, “I’ve felt the same damn thing. It’ll pass.” Everybody says so. But I don’t think anyone ever felt the way I do now. Its like all the bad things put together.

I hope I make it through this. Because I done wanna give up. I wont give up. Maybe I’m weak and faltering, but not helpless. I’m just gonna start with a new set of cards and start building it all over again, until the next gush of wind comes my way, all the while hoping that it doesn’t.

x